I’m lying here waiting for sleep to overtake me
It seems safe to say I am the absolute worst friend in existence; though no one was really protesting that claim before now.
I had this idea to create monthly playlists based on songs which really stuck to me each day, or something like that, I thought it could be fun but I forgot about the whole thing and it’s really a waste anyway, no one would want to hear that.
Now I’m just listening to a shuffle of Elliott Smith & Maxïmo Park.
I made this blog several years ago, as the most driving factor, to impress a guy. Not necessarily with what was written, which is why it started with only photography and a few lines of text here and there. I tried not to write too much because I knew it would come off as shallow or just in some way give a poor impression to the reader/that guy I liked. After he was out of the picture did this spiral to merely bullshit ramblings rarely seen by another set of eyes. Now, yes, admittedly, there’s plenty of that bullshit in the archives before he left but then… well I guess I felt comfortable by that point for him to read those things, that this became somewhere I could attempt to vent, albeit poorly as I obviously lack a particular knack with writing and language. I wanted to get out the negative things going through me somehow, because I couldn’t understand where they were coming from as I will, somewhat begrudgingly, admit it was the happiest year of my life. The negative side, it wasn’t new but how absolutely horrible it made me was; it was like something took over me, I knew what I was doing and saying was wrong and hurtful to those I love and though my mind was telling me to stop and this isn’t what I want my body and words kept on. The world keeps spinning but I needed to stop and figure out how to get these parts out of me, what I wanted and what made me happy were already in front of me but I could tell they were slipping from my grasp because of whatever was wrong with me. But I couldn’t figure out how or when or why it started, and at the very worst time. Only now do I leave it as a guess, not fully convinced. I avoided help from everyone, aside from those whom I thought understood what I was feeling. No one can ever understand, as much as we go through plenty of the same things, it’s still different for everyone. I knew it was selfish to place my problems onto others who never asked for them (and in the end they didn’t have time for me or perhaps wish to make time, it doesn’t matter, they could only take so much) but I thought it would only be temporary and that it was a favour which I would gladly return and during which I could make up for in other ways. I still cannot figure out if it is a lack of faith in myself or really just the plain truth that I have little to nothing to offer to the rest of society. Everyone can only take so much of me. Really I quite suspect my parents only still deal with me because I am their only child.
I don’t know how I’m going to sleep tonight. & I cannot remember the last time I cried this much. Probably the last time I feared losing a certain friend. It’s funny when someone values you as more of a friend than you do them. They’re a best friend to me, but I can’t admit that. I’m just a message via SMS, you know.
Everything that happened before, I suppose it was due to the transition of something I was not prepared for, a new kind of, and semi-temporary, life I’m still just stumbling through.
I know I’ve said so many times before about how I’ll change certain habits of mine. Some have, over time, as I’ve matured or moved on. Others… I don’t know, maybe I forget how important they are or become overwhelmed by how much I have riding on my shaky abilities. I’m always saying I’m overwhelmed about something. Maybe the emotion I’m actually trying to define is a kind of fear. This year is different. I’m not quite sure why, perhaps due to certain people I’ve met and quite definitely something to do with the friend I may have just lost. Sure it’s no secret that it’s the same guy I first tried to impress when I made this blog but I try not to think about it too much. Maybe I should have just left things the way they were, because I didn’t want this. Such a fucking idiot. Anyway, I try not to think about it because that was all so long ago that I’ve told myself I don’t know him at all, which wouldn’t be surprising. How things were a few hours ago was certainly better than how they look now, and it will increase the difficulty of my resolutions to better my ways.
This isn’t coming out quite right.
For 18 years I didn’t really understand what it is like to have feelings for someone who doesn’t want much of anything to do with you. I cannot force myself to be with someone, I’ve found, try to make myself have feelings for them because I don’t want to hurt them or I thought I just wanted to be in a relationship regardless of the partner.
I’m sorry I cannot just get right back up after I’m knocked down; I wish I could be like you, I’m trying.
Here are some songs.
Last Call by Elliott Smith
A Cloud of Mystery by Maxïmo Park
